Learning to Dance in the Rain Even After I Fall

After having a better than expected break, by first week back at school was depressingly the opposite of better than expected. As I had back in America, I have here. Which was me occasionally having a bad week. Up until Thursday I just felt as though there was no light in me. I wasn't sleeping well and I just missed my friends at home. It was the first time I felt homesick since one of the first weeks that I got here. I saw my “friends” here starting to not be so welcoming and I didn't really know what to do. In the mornings my host sister would just walk way ahead of me to get to the bus and I couldn't catch up but she didn’t even wait for me in front of the bus. She just got right on the bus and didn’t even look back to see if I was following. This quite frankly made me feel like shit. I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing. So I just dropped it, but I’ll seriously ask her if she does it again. I being in a not-so-bright mood made me see the differences in the culture here that I defiantly don’t like, such as not waiting for someone who you are going to the same place with at the same time.  Also, the whole asking how you are doing but obviously not caring about your answer. I will have people say to me,” Salut! ҫava?” and before I get half a word out they are back to their original conversation. I don’t think they realize that it’s ruder to ask and not care about the answer than to just not ask at all. Lastly, it’s a difficult thing to get over their manors (or lack of). It astonishes me how many people blatantly smack and chew with their mouths open. I think to myself,” Why do you choose to look like a dog? Do you find that attractive or sophisticated? JUST WHY.” If you can’t tell, impolite eating is my number one pet peeve. And it seems as though most everyone eats that way, unfortunately for me. However, once in a blue moon I’ll find someone who doesn’t, so that’s nice. That’s how my week went until Thursday after lunch. All the exchange kids met in our local coordinators office and gave him updates on their lives and we went over future schedules and whatnot. The other exchange kids left to take an exam that the newer exchange students didn’t have to take. So that left Eliza (my good Australian friend), Alyssa (new girl from Canada) and me with M. Vidal. It was all going fine until he started asking me questions. Okay, here is some background info about me; I’m a slow learner, I have to study for a really long time before I understand something, but once I finally get it I understand it very well. It just takes a little longer than most. So back to my story, M. Vidal was asking me questions and I got the most of what he was saying and I answered back in the best French I could muster in my depressed, stressed-out state. Then after I asked a few questions on what the translation of certain words were that he was saying, I said a sentence that was very bad French grammar and before I could correct myself he said(in French),” Cassie, you need to work harder and care more about learning French.” I didn’t even know how to respond. He has had no idea what I’m going through and he took my asking questions and my bad grammar as me not caring!? I was getting so mad at this point but I apologized and said I was working at my French, but he then he even COMPARED me to another exchange student (Who’s actually my good friend from Japan). I looked at him straight in the eyes as big fat tears rolled down my cheeks and said, “Je ne suis PAS Saku.” I cannot stand being compared to other people.  I couldn’t believe that in all his years of being a local coordinator that he still didn’t understand that every student learns at their own pace and mine is just unfortunately slower than others. I just sat there crying. He obviously felt bad and was trying to make me feel better but I wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction. But once I did calm down the four of us went to the office to ask the office lady about a future exam and she saw that I was in distress so once the Eliza and Alyssa went to their classes and M. Vidal left she had me come into her office and she gave me a tangerine to eat and talked me through everything I was feeling and she made me feel so much better. All week I just needed someone to give me a hand of kindness and encouragement. She was the first person all week to actually sit me down and help me. Earlier in the week when I got teary eyed my French friends didn’t really do anything but say something like, “don’t worry”, or “it’s going to be okay” and left it at that. Well, yeah I know it’s going to be okay! But right now I’m not okay. Right now I need a friend. Then the office lady had me come with her to fix a couch and there were some other students in the grade below me who found out I was American and started talking to me and was so amazed in the different places that I’ve lived and just talked to me for the last hour of school. I don’t know how to explain but it makes you feel better knowing that someone takes a genuine interest in knowing at least a little about your life. Talking to them made me realize that even though I am surrounded by a lot of people that don’t really give a shit about me and my life, that doesn’t mean that I’m not interesting enough to get to know. It just means that they aren’t my kind of people; I can’t have a connection with everyone. It may not be ideal, but it happens and I found out that it’s nothing to be bummed out about at all. After skype calls with my parents and best friend on Thursday, and then after an evening in the city with Eliza and Alyssa on Friday, I realized that I don’t need everyone to be my friend. I have people in my life that deeply care about me. I have family and friends I can ALWAYS fall back on. I don’t need anyone who doesn’t even put forth energy to having even a friendship with me. I have an awesome life. Not only because of friends and family, but because of the places I’ve lived, I know my interest and passions, and I know that I’m not a mess-up (trying to make it stay that way, too). I maybe a sensitive over thinker that is a little crazy and has bad jokes, but now I FINALLY understand the meaning of ”you do you and I’m gonna do me.” I’m in France! I’m not going to let my once-in-a-lifetime experience be a bad one just because I’m not going to be friends with everyone. I got my few people and I’m going to roll with them. I’m going to be as nice to everyone as I can and hope for the best from them. But I’m going to expect the best from me, that’s really all one can do in life. I don’t want to give up on this trip and go home. I want to accomplish my dream of learning and traveling. I knew it was going to be hard seeing that I’m an extreme over thinker and my tear ducks seam to work overtime, but I’m learning more about myself and more about life than I ever would have thought because of these hard times. Which is bitter-sweet. But with my new I’m-gonna-do-me attitude I feel like I’ll have a little more fun than I probably would have had otherwise in the months to come.  I want to be able to have great stories to tell my friends and family when I come back, so in the next 119 days, I’m going to make those stories happen weather I have awesome friends by my side or not (And my blogs won’t be such rants like most of this one was)!

School Tomorrow *crying*

My two week vacation is over. I did make the most of it though so I'm happy about that. This past week I mainly just hung out with my host family. I went to a cool carnival thing in the city where everyone was dressed up all crazy with Faustine and a few of her friends. It was very entertaining! I also went into the city to meet up with three other exchange students for lunch and that was very fun! I also tried a bit of the McDonalds. They said it was better in France than in the United States. I wonder if they've ever had it in the United States because from what I could taste it was still just a cheap, gross burger. Not gonna eat there again. That's one frustrating thing about eating out here with friends. So many of my friends wants to go to Dominos or some restraint that they have in the United States, like KFC, that's pretty big here, too. It's not that hard of a situation to get out of, though. Friday when I went out with my exchange friends we went to go eat kebab (not sure how to spell it) and it is something none of us had in our home countries. I am so eating there again because it was very good! I love trying new food, at least once! I'm not sure the next time I'll be able to go out though because we have seven weeks of school and I'm pretty sure we don't have so much as a three day weekend.  I'm not very much looking forward to the cold, early mornings and the long boring classes. The only reason I am looking forward to school is because that is where I learn and practice my french the most, and the school lunches are really good. Also, I've made some friends at school that I haven't seen this vacation so I'm looking forward to talking with them again. I'm excited that my french is improving, but I still have a long way to go, here is for everyone who asks me how my french is coming along (I wrote this when I was bored in class a few weeks ago): It's weird, learning French outside my actual French class back in the States. In the classroom your improvement is documented in how well you do on your homework and tests. Learning a language by everyday, all day, total immersion is a little bit hard to document. I try to write down the new words I learn but every week or so, my speaking is getting faster, more correct and more confident. It's more learning new phrases than words, and sometimes I'll know how to say a word or phrase but I won't know how to spell it or sometimes I won't even know the exact translation so I just won't write it down. There is no one moment I look back on and remember where I improved on my reading or speaking. I am not fluent by any means but I can understand a more simple conversation when people speak slower, and I can also hear each individual word even when people speak fast. I usually don't understand what they are saying because it's just too fast, but when I first came here when people talked it was just a jumble of noises. So theres an improvement! I've almost been here two months and I can't really remember the specific time when I improved. All I can tell you is that I remember how awful my french was when I got here and I know my skills now at this moment. Every exchange kid you talk to will tell you about the same thing. About the three month mark is when you'll be able to understand most of the speaking and reading and then after that your speaking and writing will improve faster than ever, usually by (at the very least) the five month mark. There is no one day when you say to yourself, "Everything clicked! I'm fluent now!" I looked up the definition of fluency in a language and basically you have to be able to speak correctly and without hesitation. That will come to me definitely by the time I get back home but I still will make mistakes and I will not know every word in the dictionary. I don't know if I ever will become, what I see as, truly fluent, to where people wouldn't even know french wasn't your native language. So here is my answer in short: Everyday I am growing. Every week I am improving. For me personally, I don't know when basic fluency will come. Hopefully in these next few months. Even if I'm not truly fluent, that doesn't mean I won't be able to have a good conversation with a french speaking person and that also doesn't mean I wont be pretty good at speaking french by the time I get back this summer. I'm excited to talk to the people I know who I can practice my french with. Even though I am loving it here more and more with every passing week, I can't wait for next summer!

Family are friends, not food

I am now halfway through my two week vacation. I'm glad to say that even with some personal drama I'm still growing in my language skills and taking every opportunity I can to become closer with people here. I was, however, starting to take my host family for granted and pretty much only seeing them at meal times. It wasn't until this week I fully realized that they are my family. They aren't just here to give me food and a place to stay. They are here to form a relationship with. They are here to listen and talk about the good and bad parts of my day. I feel awful for not trying harder to be more a part of the family before, I read this quote, "the only person you have to be better than is the person you were yesterday." So I am not going to just live in regret. I've already started watching TV and hanging out with my host siblings more. I have started asking more questions about everything (even things I know so that I can get a little extra french practice in). I have also asked my dad to teach me how to cook, because I am hopelessly lost when it comes to cooking and I have a big appreciation for a good, home cooked meal and I am not going to just hope and pray I marry someone who will cook for our kids every night. It will also be cool to come home and cook my family and friends a French meal! So far I have only learned a simple omelette dish because I only asked him the other day, and last night and most all of today I was at my Australian friend's house. I will get to how that was in a little bit, I'll tell you how my week went in the order it went in instead of jumping around so much. So, last weekend I tried some new food! I had a liver. not sure from which animal and I didn't really know what it was at first. I kinda thought it was a different kind of steak. All in all it was not bad, but I didn't find it that great either. I also had pig stomach! It kinda just looked like an odd kind of baloney slices. It also, was not bad but I don't think I will be craving it anytime soon (or ever). My family never tells me what kind of food I'm eating until after I ate it. I think it's so I won't become to scared to eat it. There was this one other food that is very common in the United States... yet the way it was served in  bowl was... well... different. It was shrimp. I already know I don't like shrimp so I didn't have to try it. The shrimp, though, didn't come how you may be imagining it. It had the legs and eyes and full body and everything and you had to pull it all off! Now I don't eat a lot of seafood so that may be normal but that was bizarre to me. Just pulling off all the legs.. I didn't even like watching the process.I also tried bread and cheese with lettuce! That is my new favorite snack. I am also just really falling in love with cheese! Even though I am surrounded by all this amazing french food, I've been really craving a burger from Smashburger or 5 Guys and also I really have been wanting mexican food, even just chips and salsa. So when I go out to eat with friends I will now suggest something along those lines. I did more than just eat though, I went to Saint Malo with my host parents and Maxent (host brother) and it was so historic and beautiful. It's this walled town/city right on the ocean and good lord do I love the ocean. I mean I love the mountains too, but there is just something about the ocean that will always have a special place in my heart. At Saint Malo , there was also a little boardwalk carnival there with a ton of rides and games and it was like something from a movie it was so fun to just be there and walk around and my host dad bought me my favorite pastry so that made me very happy.  I also went out shopping with my friend Joel again, I had a hung out a lot with Faustine's friends (she's my host sister is you don't know) and then of course I hung out with Eliza (my Australian friend). It has not been a disappointing vacation so far to say the least.Well, except the whole difficulty of relationships from so far away. However, I have a great support system here and I've been leaning on my family and friends here, but also I have a fantastic support system back in the States. I feel as though it is important for an exchange student to have friends and a family member who really knows you and knows how to calm you down and everything because your new friends can help a lot, don't get me wrong, just sometimes you need someones voice you know. I do feel as though I am extremely lucky to be in the situation I am in. My family really helps me with my french and my host sister is so awesome. I wonder if week two of vacation will be as fun and eventful, fingers are crossed!

One Month? One Month.

This weekend marks the one month of my being here. Oh my is time starting to go by fast. However, I am on a two week vacation and don't have any plans so that isn't great for my French skills. I'm going to go to the store and buy some childrens grammar books, which was suggested by another fellow exchange student, and also, I attempt at reading the newspaper. I mainly just translate the advertisements and summarise the articles. It is so nice sleeping in though. And I have those black-out shades in my room so that's good and bad because it makes it easy to sleep in, and well that's also the bad part because I'll sleep in till eleven o'clock and miss half the day. In my house that usually just consists of watching cartoons and eating so I guess it's not the worst thing in the world. I'm happy to say that my sleeping schedule is set! I get tired at around nine or ten o'clock and will wake up at seven or eight o'clock but if it's the weekend you can most likely guess that I am staying up late and therefore, sleeping in late as well. I have found the importance of having a good nights sleep for at least two weeks straight because I will wake up for school actually feeling refreshed!  I thought that was just something people said to convince you to get more sleep but now that I've experienced it, it's amazing! I love waking up feeling like I don't need another three hours of sleep, and then to make it the feeling even better I'll eat a good breakfast every morning. I think I'm getting sick though, because I haven't had a huge appetite and I'm pretty tired quite often. Wouldn't surprise me if I get sick. I don't see a lot of people cover their coughs or wash their hands before they eat (or touch the bread in which others eat also) so I'm just trying my best to eat healthy and not get sick.
So France and I have been together for one month. We are starting to figure each other out now. I'm finding out who I like and dislike, the foods I like and dislike and even the different ways people dress here. It's safe to say (in general) I'm not a fan of the guys style because of the either too tight of pants or the huge oversized pants, which are not very common but still. Also, every guy wears a big 'ol scarf which I don't like or dislike but that's just another culture thing that's different. The girls don't typically dress as girly as they do in the States. It's more of an edgy style with all the dark colors and big platformed shoes of every kind. In more extreme cases girls will wear choker necklaces and be dressed as though they are in 80's grunge. Not a fan of that style either. I like the sofer edgy looks, not so intense, but good for them for putting themselves out there I guess. Not only have I been learning a lot about France, but I have been learning so much about myself I would have NEVER found out if I hadn't come here. Writing. I would have never started writing about my feelings so much if I was still at home watching Netflix five more hours a day than I should. I found that no matter what I'm thinking I can write it down and the paper not only absorbs the ink but also my feelings. After I write my page-long rant on the back of a worksheet I feel as though my mind has cleared. It's an amazing feeling to know that I have found an escape that works for me. I'm now wondering if I could do this for a living! We'll see. I need to see if I survive the next five-ish months first. Even though I have this fantastic escape there are still things that are heavy on my mind. Will I learn the amount of French I want to in the time I have? Will I ever even use French usefully when I come back? Or more emotionally hard things like have I damned relationships that mean the world to be in order to follow my dreams? It's an awful feeling thinking that even when you do something you know is right for yourself that it can feel so wrong. But I know that in the end everything will work out how it should with a little faith, hope and love. I am a big (HUGE) believer in love and being the change you want to see in the world. And I want to see more people not let life get in the way of love. So even from an ocean away I am determined to love the people I love as much as I can. And also share the love here. I know that sounds cliche and it may not solve every problem, but I believe that love solves the big ones and the little ones will eventually work themselves out.

Getting a feel for the culture

I now finally feel as though I am living the true French life! I’m speaking French (very horribly but just give me a few more months), eating bread (gaining weight…) and shopping! Last night I went on a really fun shopping adventure with my friend from Finland, Joel. I got a really cute pair of shoes and 2 big, warm scarves! Both scarves were under 10 euros so I was very happy about that. Joel, however, bought 2 big bags worth of clothes but for a very good price! I'm pretty sure that this is the last weekend for the really good sales so I'm happy I took advantage of that. Also, this week at school I ate at the different cafeteria which gets a really bad rap because it is healthy food and is “gross”. I loved it though! You got to choose out of 4 different main plates and they were all hot and (what seemed to be) the equivalent of a home cooked meal! It’s still all good but my fellow classmates seem to greatly underestimate the greatness of having healthy, hot food given to you at school for lunch. I'll post pictures of both lunches on my shutterfly. The healthy cafeteria food is the one with a biscuit and gravy with well, more healthy looking food (you'll most likely be able to spot the difference) Oh and the food at that cafeteria is served with real forks and knives on real, breakable plates! The napkins and uneaten food are the only things that you throw away. That’s one thing about the French culture I really like. They do not waste much at all. At my house we use cloth napkins every meal and all the leftovers are eaten for a snack or on Thursdays for dinner. Also the use of paper towels is very little and everything besides towels is hung dry. And at any store you go to, once you buy your things you either put it in your own purse or bag or shopping bags you brought from home! And grocery shopping at my house is only done once a week (Saturdays). You can ask for plastic bags at the stores, but unless you ask it’s up to you to carry everything somehow. Living this less wasteful way really isn't any harder. It doesn't take up anymore time; it produces a heck of a lot less trash, and it makes me feel better (coming from just taking a semester of AP environmental science) that I'm not throwing away paper all the time and what there is to recycle, is recycled. Mrs. Shwendy would be so proud! To go off more of the environmental benefits of the French culture, my family also only has one car and even though it’s old and probably doesn’t get great gas mileage, they only fill it up about every two weeks because we do a lot of walking and bus taking! However, I kind of think that of all the smoking that is done my so many adults and almost teens would be the equivalent as if they were all driving cars. There are Pros and Cons to every culture, I guess. I wonder if in twenty or thirty years that the percent of teenage smoking will go down in France.  I also wonder if it is just their science classes not teaching them the actual scary science of what smoke does to your lungs. I know my freshman year health class defiantly scared me enough that I try to hold my breath when someone blows out their smoke near me. Maybe when I come home in six months I'll be able to be a swimmer and hold my breath forever haha. Yeah, as you may be able to tell, all the smoking is a big culture shock for me! Again with the Pros and Cons. Now that I'm getting a feel for the culture all I have to do is learn the language! I can tell that I can already understand way more than when I first arrived, but I feel like I need to read and speak more. As most new exchange students I have unfortunately been a bit of a hermit in my room. I'm not wasting my time because I am reading or writing (which I found out I really enjoy doing!) or even trying to do some homework. However, I am not using my time wisely. I have been reading the free newspaper that is given out at the bus stops and I will try and translate that and later today I'm going to watch a French movie “LOL” with my host sister. There is an American version with Miley Cyrus but the French think that it is totally awful and a disgrace, in which I completely agree with them. I’m looking forward to seeing the real version. So far I'm going to have a pretty chill weekend. Then I will have four days of school and then a two week break! Yay! 

The Roller Coaster Comes with the Ticket

I thought my first week was a crazy emotional roller coaster. I was wrong. Monday and Tuesday of week two, I was really enjoying my time here and was not crying or homesick! That's how I was most all of Wednesday as well until I got into bed. This is the most dangerous time for feeling homesick or missing people, also when you have a dream about them and you wake up wishing that dream was your reality, because not so long ago it was your reality (that's a way I never thought homesickness would get me). Or actually just any time you happen to be alone with your thoughts for too long. Anyways, I got frustrated because I felt as though I wasn't hearing back from the people I missed as much as I thought I should be hearing back from them (didn't make a schedule with them so that's my own fault). Then after another crappy night’s sleep, I woke up and pretty much couldn't stop crying at school. It was extremely hard to explain how I was feeling at the time but basically I wasn't necessarily homesick, I just couldn't focus on anything else besides getting home and skyping my parents and boyfriend. Here’s the thing: I have moved from my home (which I loved and had a great life in) two times in a year and a half. I know the difference between feeling homesick and missing my people from home. My mom helped me put it into words, “There’s a difference between clinging and cherishing.” I just needed, that day, to be able to cherish my loved ones so far. I needed to see their faces. I also needed them to know that this adventure is not me on a vacation. It’s me thousands of miles away from my home (again) and it’s me having to be a new girl in a new school where I know no one (again) but this time it’s even harder because I don't even have my own mom to hug when I get frustrated and tired of not being able to communicate to my teachers and classmates or even with my new friends and host family. And it's difficult because sometimes 5 months will feel like they will fly by and at other times it feels like the end is no where in sight and I have little to look forward to. Everything is new, and that is the Grand Adventure but it is also scary as hell and an uphill battle. Just because I decided to go doesn't make not very hard for me. It’s very easy in the hard moments to totally forget why I decided to leave my friends and family.

But never fear the upside is here (to remind me why I purchased the tickets to this pain)! Because it isn't just pain, there more than one would hope for at first, but here is what reminds me why this adventure is worth it: I am not visiting France, I am LIVING in France. This will look great on college apps. I’m going to be able to tell these stories to my friends, family, and even future kids someday! I am learning a language I've always wanted to and see myself improving and remembering new words all the time. I have little achievements every day and week to look forward to (i.e. realizing I said a whole sentence right and making new friends). I have amazing friends here to give me a hug when I need it. The long and fun shopping adventures in downtown Rennes with new friends (did that yesterday). My host family is so great in so many ways. My teachers are crazy nice and understanding (with the exceptional one or two). I have the best support system back at home in the States. The food, even at my school, is to die for! And last but not least at all, I remember that I came on this journey for me. No one else told me that this is something I needed to do to feel fulfilled in life or that I needed to do something out of my comfort zone. I told myself that I needed to prove to myself that if I wanted something I would go to great lengths and emotional tolls to get it (i.e. having to leaving those I love and trust they'll still be there when I get back). I want to meet new people and learn a new culture and language. And it must be reminded that even though there are bad times, the good times are there to get you though.

Lot's of Ups and Downs

First week in my new life is complete! It went by really slowly but that's normal according to the other exchange kids at my school. There are quite a few other exchange kids and only two in my class and one leaves in a month so that's kinda a bummer and my two other exchange friends in the class above me leave next week so that's even more of a bummer. I still have one good exchange friend. His name is Saku and he is from Japan. He's in my class. Here, I am in year 2nd 5 which is the equivalent to being a sophomore. So I've already learned most of the material, I now just have to learn the language! Besides me not being able to understand 90% of what the teachers are talking about, I actually don't hate my school. I think it used to be an old monastery or something because it's old and has stain glass windows and religious things here and there on the roofs and what not. The class schedule is very difficult to memorize. We don't have period 1 then period 2.. we just have classes scattered during the week. I can't seem to find a pattern either. And I only have my art class once a week and PE for over 2 hours on Fridays. Also, guess what! The teachers don't even have their own classroom! I have math in one room one day and then every other day it's in a different room across campus! I don't understand how that is more efficient but oh well the campus is not very large at all. At least the teachers for the classes stay the same, and my classmates stay the same because in my whole grade there are twenty students. so the class sizes are very manageable. With my class I got very lucky because (unlike the class above me) I haven't talked to one classmate who hasn't been open or hasn't not tried to talk to me just because of the language barrier. I even made a few friends I went shopping with after school and we bought cookies! I got a chocolate orange cookie. Wasn't the best and it wasn't the worst, I'm glad I tried it because I am here in a new culture and I'll be damned if I don't take every opportunity to try something new, even if it is just a cookie. There are exceptions to my "try new things" rule. Smoking for instance. You know how people say everyone smokes in France? Well, that really is not far off from the truth! At my school I have not met one student that doesn't smoke on the daily. However, God is good and there are 6 people I have become friends with who don't smoke and continuously ask me why I don't smoke or tell me to try it. They are my three exchange friends (who I mentioned that two of them were leaving next week) and the three girls I went to buy the cookies with. So there were definitely lows to my week but there were also some good highs :) I can't wait to explore the city of Rennes more, become better friends with the people I met this past week and of course improve my French skills. Even though I get really home sick I'm happy I'm here and I can't wait to see what these next 5 months will bring me.